Why I Don’t Like the Phrase “You Can’t Take Care of Others Before You Take Care of Yourself”

Let’s talk about self-care for a minute.

In today’s hustle culture, self-care is often treated like a luxury, not a necessity. Like something you have to earn after giving everything to everyone else. And — let’s be honest — women, and especially mothers, are taught from a young age that our value lies in what we do for other people.

So we put ourselves last. Our rest gets back-burnered. Our nourishment becomes an afterthought. Our bodies whisper — or scream — for support, and we’re too overwhelmed or exhausted to respond.

In an attempt to correct this imbalance, the wellness world has given us a new set of mantras. You know the ones:

“You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
“Put your own oxygen mask on first.”
“You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of others.”

These phrases are everywhere. And they’re not wrong. But here’s the thing — they’re not quite right either.

Because the underlying message of these well-meaning statements is an assumption I don’t subscribe to:
That the only reason you should take care of yourself… is so you can take care of someone else.

And that, my friend, is bullshit.

Let me be clear. Yes, you do need to put your own oxygen mask on first. Yes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. And yes, if you’re a mother or a caretaker of any kind — of children, of coworkers, of family — you need to be resourced, well-rested, and nourished so you can show up as the best version of yourself.

But here’s what I take issue with:
The idea that your well-being is only important because of what it allows you to do for others.

No. Your well-being matters because you matter. Full stop.

You don’t need a justification to rest.
You don’t need a reason to prioritize your health.
You don’t need permission to take care of your body, your mind, your nervous system.
You don’t need to earn it by being productive or selfless or sacrificial.

YOU are the reason.

Not your kids. Not your job. Not your partner or your to-do list. You.

And yes — if thinking about how your health affects the people you love helps you get started, that’s okay. I’m not here to shame your “why.” In fact, I’m fueled by my children too.  Their well-being is deeply important to me, and I want to show up for them as my best self, now and when I’m old. That’s valid.

But I also invite you to turn inward — maybe for the first time in a long time — and recognize that you are reason enough.

You are worth caring for.
You are worth investing in.
You are worth resting for.
You are worth nourishing.
You are worth healing.

Just because you’re you.

So yes, put your own oxygen mask on.
Not so you can go help everyone else.

Put it on because you need to breathe.
Put it on because you deserve to breathe.
Put it on because you want to live, not just survive.

That’s what self-care means to me.
That’s what I want for you.